An Honest Post: Overcoming Defeat

Maybe I won't ramble too much, but I have a lot on my mind. I want to write and get my thoughts where I can see them. So I am going to share them with all of you, all eight of you. (Smile.)

Tonight's schedule was a little out of the ordinary. I am home by myself with the kids while Andrew is at worship team practice at church. Over this past week or so, Andrew has started feeding Charlie between 9-10pm. He is not sleeping well again. We are feeding a "dream feed" again like we did a couple months ago, hoping he will make it until at least 5am. Whew. Anyway. (He normally wakes multiple times.)  So, my point being, I am staying awake until the dream feed since Drew isn't home. I usually go to bed between 7-8pm.

After I put the kids to bed, I got my bath and sat down at the computer. I turned on my worship music and read a few new blog posts in my Blogger feed. This is rare. A moment all alone.

I began talking with the Lord, feeling overwhelmed and exhausted. And it hit me- I feel defeated. I feel defeated in almost every area of my life. Why?

The Lord quickly brings His peace into my heart. I am not perfect, that much I know and I cannot expect myself to be.

And I know that being a mom of two little ones, especially one of them being a new baby, has it's challenges. Challenges that are much bigger and harder to conquer than I ever could have imagined them. The biggest beast of all challenges currently is the lack of sleep.

I have learned a lot over these last four months since Charlie has joined our family. Some of the best advice I have ever received was from my mother-in-law (about a couple months ago):
What is true?

Truth:
I am a good mom and wife
I love my kids and they know I love them
My husband loves me and helps me tremendously
I put my whole heart into my family and try my best to give them the best
I am not perfect
I do make mistakes
Charlie will eventually sleep well
God is gracious and loving
In my weakness, HE is strong

What I feel:
I feel tired, exhausted....running on "empty"
I feel like Charlie might not sleep well for a long time
I feel like I am doing a poor job
I feel like everyone is getting the worst parts of me
I don't feel like "me"

I have realized that my thoughts guide my feelings. Tonight, being alone, I have time to actually think about how I feel. And I don't like it. It is hard not to focus on the negatives. I don't want to feel defeated.

More truth:
I am very blessed.
I have an incredible support system of family and friends that love me.
Jesus loves me more than I can ever comprehend, and that comforts me and makes me feel whole again.

I want life to change in some ways. I think each of us could say that about some area of our lives. I think it will always be that way. I want to sleep well again. I know once my sleep is restored, many other areas in my life that are suffering will greatly improve.

My sweet sister-in-law sent me an email on October 9th. It was filled with scriptures to encourage me and meditate on. I went through a very difficult season that was completed ridden with anxiety, insomnia, and ended with panic attacks before I finally found relief. My family stepped up and helped me even more than they already were. They started taking (more) night shifts. And my mother-in-law shared with me: Focus on what is truth, and not necessarily what you feel. The anxiety was greatly reduced.

Here is one of the scriptures from that email:

2 Corinthians 12:9

New Living Translation (NLT)

⁹ Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

His grace is all I need. His power works best in my weakness. I feel very weak, Lord. Thank you for your grace and your power to work in and through me.

One of my very favorite passages of scripture:

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3     he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,[a]
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.

The Word is truth. Because the Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing. I will lie down in green pastures. He has lead me beside quiet waters, and my soul is refreshed. Thank you, Lord! He guides me along right paths. Even when I walk through the most darkest of times, I do not have to fear because He is with me and He comforts me. Even in the midst of my enemies, He has prepared me and my life is overflowing with His goodness and His love. All the days of my life His goodness and His love will follow me. All the days. All of my days on this earth. All of them. ALL OF THEM. And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever. And ever. and ever.

I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul. I loved that song when I was a little girl.

God is so good. And remembering His goodness and His truth in my life brings me back to His peace.

I am blessed tremendously with my incredible mom who I can call day or night. She is still coming on Saturday nights to take the "Charlie shift". I love her more than words could ever say. God gave me the best mom. She is the best of friends I could ever ask for.

Not only do I have the best mom in the whole world, I also have the best mother-in-law. Not all daughters-in-law can say that about their in-laws. Mine are awesome. They love me unconditionally and have always made me feel welcome. She has also helped and sacrificed to get us through this season. I love them.

I am so thankful our families live so close. We are so, SO blessed.

And then there are my best friends. These three in particular have let me cry, let me "vent", let me just lay it all out there and then "reel" me back in. They are Godly women that I am so fortunate to have in my life.

And to my husband, who is so patient with me. He is the most patient person I have ever met. When you live with someone, you do see their worst parts. He still loves all of my worst parts. It is hard to be nice sometimes (ahem, a lot of the time) when you are sleep-deprived. He still loves me. I want to be more like that. He is so positive, almost to a fault where it can be slightly annoying -ha-, but he is an encourager for me. Thanks, honey. I love you.

Thank you blogger land for listening. It's time for the dream feed and hopefully a good night's rest. Oh Charlie Boo, let's sleep ALL NIGHT LONG. I sure do love you, little boy. And my sweet, sweet Audrey....we will play again tomorrow. Love you, kiddos.

Oh, and by the way...I have read four books on infant sleep. They include,

The Sleep Lady's Good Night Sleep Tight Book
Becoming Baby Wise
Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child
The Baby Whisperer

Um, anyone else have any suggestions? I'll just stop here. I could type for days about our situation.
Night night!